I started this blog a couple of years ago while trying to hold my life together. It was falling apart all around me. Trying to keep life moving forward then was like trying to stand in the ocean during a tropical storm. I managed to weather it but I did almost drown a time or four. And I got a shit-ton of sand in my bathing suit. That sucks.
Those days were tough. Depression. The darkness and isolation. The anxiety. I truly believe I have a touch of PTSD thinking back on how difficult some of those days were. Filled with negative thought and emotion. So charged and desperate searching for anything to hold on to. Anything at all that would ground me. A total hotbed of anger, frustration, impatience, criticism, judgment, superiority. The list goes on and on.
I only posted eight writings before I quit. I didn’t take the time to edit, the quality is poor. I didn’t have that kind of time, to focus on creative endeavors. Every day was a battle to survive. This was while I was still deep in denial about my addiction to alcohol. The process of me letting go of that old friend was a long, hard process. But I did it.
The starting of the blog was therapy. Began as me searching for purpose. Now, by making the blog public for everyone to see, that was different. Me letting the world in is me trying to get closer to my fear.
Fear is such an illusion. I discovered this once I got sober and started peeling back all the layers of bullshit I had wrapped myself in. All the years of conditioning myself to believe that I am just another person, that I wasn’t worthy of a good life. The belief that I had to hold everything in and not tell the secrets because that is what strong people do. I was afraid of who I was.
So, the elimination of alcohol cleared up the anxiety. Peeling off the layers of bullshit helped me to see who I truly am. And now I get to decide who I want to be.
Putting yourself out there is scary. So scary that when I hit send to connect my blog to social media, I was nauseated. A huge wave of what-the-fuck washed over me. I’m glad I did it. With that out of the way, I can look to the next fear I want to conquer. There is a huge reward in moving towards your fear. The closer you get, the more you can see it’s not real. Fear is made up. Imaginary danger. Noise.
I don’t know if you struggle with alcohol but I’m sure you struggle with something. We all do. It’s not the thing you struggle with, it’s the shame that comes with it. Get straight with your shame so that you can peel back some layers. Notice what makes you feel shame. What do you hide? What do you not want anyone to know? By dealing with that one thing, you can get started on a path to a whole new life. End it, be done with it.
Healing yourself and finding balance is like a magic miracle. A unicorn.
Everyone has creativity. It’s buried under a pile of shit. If you don’t get to shoveling, no one else will. Getting in touch with the core of who you are is EVERYTHING.
It is hard work but you’re worth it.
Get the damn sand out of your bathing suit. Grab a shovel. Get right with your shame.
This is my prayer for us.