It is Time for Some Soul Shine, Time to Mind My Blip

When you consider the vastness of time and you can push yourself to the point of contemplation where your mind nearly goes off the edge into explosion, you can begin to see exactly how brief our time here is on Earth. One fact of life that accelerates the understanding of how brief of a stay we have here is the time-tested method of growing older. There is nothing like another birthday to remind you that you’re one day closer to whatever it is that happens after our physical bodies are no more. We are only here for a blip. Now, I know that is not the true meaning of the word “blip” but I like the way it feels in my head and its my blog, so…

Again, when contemplating not only the vastness of time, let’s take it a step further and encompass the universe…the galaxy…all of the galaxies. It amazes me that I can expand my mind to think about these things and as my thought start to come back to me, from light years away, I can slowly withdraw and bring myself right back to tiny ole me. I am but one person in the over SEVEN BILLION that share the same atmosphere, breathe the same air, are grounded on the same soil. I have the ability to make myself seem so tiny and insignificant, and I like that. If I am smaller than my problems cannot be that big. It’s the times that I forget how small I am that disrupt my life.

All of the universe, all of the celestial bodies, infinite space, a planet of countless beings, teeming with life, and I have this uncanny ability, for days or hours, to allow a small intangible wave of energy, a thought, to convince me that I have a problem in my life. Or problems, sometimes seemingly bigger than the state of Texas. I am blessed with the ability to deflate my ego and bring myself back down to my small, little comfortable space. Thank goodness, otherwise I would surely need to be locked away in an asylum. However, this new problem area in my life that I have fixated on recently, hasn’t been as easy to tear away from. I also have a hard time talking about this one because, in light of problems around the world, even in my own head I sound a little (maybe a lot) spoiled rotten.

Here I sit at my fancy Mac computer, in my 3,000 square foot house with custom glass and wood. My son is outgoing and loves sports. I have two very loving labradoodles, screened in back porch, green grass and even a picket fence. I am sitting right smack in the center of everything I always wanted, everything I have dreamed of since becoming and adult; yet I have come to the realization that I don’t really want or need any of it. I know, spoiled freaking rotten, right??! I am living the American dream, I am a nurse, married to a very successful man, the man of my dreams. Somehow, there is an aching, an unquenchable something that is leaving my soul less than full.

Maybe expecting a full soul is overshooting? I’m not sure but I really do not think so. I think that true happiness is attainable and sustainable, I just do not think that I have found my place yet. It’s not that I am unhappy, I just do not feel as if I have arrived, as I thought I would at this point in my life. When sitting down and being completely venerable with my husband to discuss this “problem” that I have been embedding in the spaces of my mind, I realized that he feels the same way that I feel. WHAT. A. RELIEF. So many fears were calmed the moment he said “life is just a blip, what are we doing?”. While I am still struggling to sort out this new dilemma, at least I am not alone. Although, I am sort of alone, my husbands “successful job” keeps him away from me most of the time. And while I do have a wonderful network of friends, family and community, there is an intense loneliness in being separated from your partner.

So, the question is now, what do I do about this? Do I fumble through my day-to-day, show up at work, show up at PTA meetings knowing that my soul is not in it? Or, do I pack up my family, sell everything I own and embark on the journey of a lifetime? How blessed are the ones that can trudge through their day-to-day lives, joyfully, even if their hearts are not completely content. On the other end of the spectrum, how fortunate are those who have found their soul-purpose. I know that as long as I have the people in my life that mean the most, I will be better than okay. But for me, I just can’t ignore this longing. Life is short. My soul is not at rest. I have just decided that I am going to start tending to my blip, and that in and of itself, shines a bit of sun on my soul. That tells me to lean into it, I’m already headed in the right direction. Headed straight towards my soul shine. But first, I need to sell everything I own…

 

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