It has been a while since I have allowed myself to come to this place. The place where I am allowed to be fearless. Anxiety, perfectionism and feelings of inadequacy have left me paralyzed. Today I decided to do just one small thing. Show up. That is it. Today I am just going to show up, with no other expectation.
My family and I have been back from a two-week trek across Thailand for a week now. It was an amazing experience, especially for our kids and I am beyond grateful that we had the opportunity to grow together in that way. However, where there is growth, there is also regression.
I am a structured, routine driven person by nature. While I love adventure and travel, I also love knowing exactly what my next steps are and, for me, there is an enormous amount of comfort there. Vacations are anything but structured and routine. Sure, you can plan your excursions and have an intentions, but, it isn’t a format that even remotely mimics your day-to-day life. That is the beauty of travel and why most people do it, to get away from the day to day grind of our normal lives. When packing for this trip, I packed my journal and pen, I downloaded some meditations to listen to offline; I had every intention of maintaining my writing and meditation practice for the duration of the trip. In the end, I had one journal entry and logged zero hours of soul cleansing meditation. In place of those things, I tried desperately to get ahold of jet lag, drank super-sized Singha beers, laughed until I cried, indulged in way too much food, tried to make sure everyone in my family was happy, planned continually so that we could soak up as much as possible and was so exhausted each day, I fell asleep before my head hit the pillow. I did exactly what I felt I should in the moment and it was beautiful. Well, it was beautiful until the moment I returned home.
The trip to Thailand was growth, flow. The returning to a quiet life and getting back to normalcy felt the opposite. Since our return, I have felt as if I have regressed back to some lower level of being. My days have been filled with too many thoughts, frustration, anxieties and overall discomfort. Every time that I have come here to write, I would just flounder; I would experience this overwhelming feeling of not having anything to say and not willing to be vulnerable enough to just say anything. After getting my meditation practice back underway for the last few days, I decided that today was the day. I will not allow the perfectionist in me to guide my path. I will not allow fear to strong-arm me into not expressing myself in a way that makes me feel good.
For me, a daily meditation practice is crucial. I realize there are moments in life when I will have to step away from my routine in order to experience the world outside of my own and that I may not have the time during those circumstances to follow through with my intentions and practice. That is life, not just for me but for everyone. It is messy and doesn’t alway fit in a box with perfectly organized sections. What saved me today was remembering to love myself, to be patient with myself and to allow myself the time I need to reconcile. Everyone experiences times when they are uncomfortable in their own skin, times when life feels maladapted. We need to remember that we are not alone in that discomfort, it is universal, it is human nature. Just stop. Slow down. Give yourself the time it requires to come back to yourself and then you can rest easy, knowing that another wave of growth is just around the corner. Heck, the growth could be waiting in the few minutes it takes for you to type out a blog post. I am beyond grateful that for today, that was true for me. There is such peace in knowing that there are times, days, that all that is expected of you is just to show up.